


So Happy I Could Die [Unova]

by EPMaster



Series: Generations [2]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters: Black & White | Pokemon Black and White Versions, Pocket Monsters: Black 2 & White 2 | Pokemon Black 2 & White 2 Versions
Genre: Depression, Gay, M/M, Polyamory, Self-Harm, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-04
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-04 20:55:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5348225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EPMaster/pseuds/EPMaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I Want To Be Happy. Is that asking for too much. Is it asking for too little. Is that what I need. Do I deserve it. What have I done not to, I've always been a good child, I got good grades, I've been chaste.  I've always seen others in a good light.  So why? Why can't I be happy for once in my life.</p><p>I feel as if the world hates me. But in reality, I know that I'm addicted to the depression.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Happy Club

**Author's Note:**

> This, along with the other associated fics, is a song fic and, along with the rest of them are from Lady Gaga's The Fame Monster.
> 
> This Fic was inspired by "So Happy i Could Die" and also from real world experience as some of the thoughts that Nate expresses during the first chapter I have had myself.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own the entire Pokemon franchise obviously and I also don't own Lady Gaga.

So Happy I Could Die | Pokemon Generation V [II]

Chapter 1: The Happy Club

_I..._

_Want..._

_To Be…_

_Happy._

_Is that asking for too much._

_Is it asking for too little._

_Is that what I need._

_Do I deserve it._

_What have I done not to, I've always been a good child, I got good grades, I've been chaste, I donate to the homeless (even occasionally working in kitchens), I've always respected my elders, used my manners, I've always seen others in a good light, never badly._

_So why? Why can't I be happy for once in my life._

The last thought was so powerful, I had almost voiced it.

I sit, as I usually do, in my bedroom, normally bare of life and individuality. The walls were barren of posters or colour. The drawers weren't topped with the colourful trophies and photos as others my age had. My clothes were neatly folded and concealed inside with my usually attire: athletic shirts, shorts, and my wet suits. My sneakers were discarded by the door along with my usual visor, given to me as a gift long ago.

I normally sat and contemplated my drab life, my menial existence, as some would call it an existential crisis, I prefer to call it an existential attack. I think about how I would die, uneventfully, alone, without anyone to mourn me. I have a small circle of “friends”, as most would consider them, to them I was just a charity, I was never their first choice, nor was I a top ten in their books. I was a merely a distraction, something to pass the time when their other friends were busy.

I do care for some of them, in all honesty, mostly Hugh. He’s long-known family friend of mine. I had felt something with him from the moment we met, as if the beginning of a real companionship, I loved him you could say. He was the first person I came-out to, and the first who had not shunned me away from him, of anything he honored my bravery, saying that he wished he could finally come out as well, being bisexual he feared he would come off as half-assed. I would have considered him a perfect boyfriend; we understood each other always, we could say anything to each other without blemish, we could say things that we meant without judgement. The only thing standing in my way now is his girlfriend.

Rosa is beautiful, smart, charismatic, and five foot-nine, two inches taller than myself, she was perfect for Hugh. I'd never held any aggression towards her as most would think, why should I? His decision was clear.

I still keep my façade just for him, I wouldn't want him to worry after everything he's done for me. I don't want him to see me like this, I don't want him to only visualize me as a pathetic waste of a human being. There would be times I would smile at him, one of faux happiness and he would gaze at me with an incredulous look. At times I felt he saw through my shell, I would send him reassurance, a joke or a good anecdote of our earlier years and he would release his previous tension.

I hate lying to him. All I want to do is keep him happy, but I know that what I'm doing would only lead to sadness. The self loathing that I feel for myself. And in the of the day, behind all the thoughts of reclusion and self worth, I know that I'm addicted to that danger, to that jeopardy.

I know that I'm addicted to that Drama.

I know that I'm addicted to the depression.


	2. Be My Best Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prologue Part Deux

The Castellia City Pokèmon Centre, normally a centre of social activity and conversation, was quiet. The only sounds resonating throughout the building had been restricted to the sound scratching sound of Nurse Joy penciling out documents and the steady breathing of the sleeping teen next to me. Rosa had gone out, stating that she had left to retrieve the world famous Castellia cones for the three of us, she knew the line would be extensive so she went out while Nate had began his nap and was expected to arrive again after he had awoken.

Nate, Rosa, and I had begun our first pokèmon journey the day Nate had turned sixteen three months ago and since then I have yet to reveal my feelings for him. I had known Nate since we we’re toddlers and as my mother constantly tells me, I was instantly smitten with him. It's true though, to me there's nothing quite like Nate Black. He was shorter than me, by five inches to be precise, and he had had these brown eyes that you could get lost in, but we're so empty at the same time. He was so beautiful, but he never saw himself that way, always insisting that he was frail or too scrawny, or that he never deserves compliments.

I could feel us drifting apart, I noticed him shy away from my touch and occasionally flinch at my voice, he was afraid of me, but I never for the life of me could figure out why. I initially set out on this journey with the two brunettes as way for me to rekindle our dying relationship, but ever since then it seems as though the ravine between us has deepened.

Lately I've just not know what to do. I try to show affection towards him, and he rejects me, insists that he doesn't deserve it or that he’s done nothing for me to reciprocate for. That's why lately I've been spending more time with Rosa. She was easier to talk to, she could actually carry a conversation and put new things onto the table, I thought that it would ease some of his tension if I started to give him some space, but it only seemed to make him more secluded. I had told Rosa of my feelings for Nate years ago, she had barely even reacted to it, saying that she had know before I even had. I was able to confide in her when I needed to and get the contact that I would otherwise go insane without.

Sometimes I catch myself as I'm talking to her realizing that it's all about Nate, that all I ever talk about is Nate, never about politics with her, never about Pokèmon or about our families or even how our day has been. It's all about Nate.

I had formed an unhealthy obsession with him. There have been nights where I dream of him, on his knees, begging, whimpering. There are other times when thoughts course through my mind of doing things to him, of touching him while sleeping, of planting my lips onto his pillowy-soft ones, and other thoughts much worse. Just the idea of having him in my arms make me shudder. Because _I love him._

I know that any scenario where I make a move would probably end horribly, but I can't help myself.

 _I'm addicted to Nate._ Uncontrollably and irrationally addicted to Nate.

Rosa returns for the small trip to the Ice Cream Kiosk and with her announcement or reunion Nate stirs awake, and I am silently grateful for her pulling me from my thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the low update rate, but I just released two chapters in a week, so I'm feeling real inspired this week.
> 
> Thank You for reading

**Author's Note:**

> "Just give in, don't call me baby, open up your heart and your mind to me."  
> -'So Happy i Could DIe', Lady Gaga
> 
> Thanks for reading, this is one of my first Fanfics ever and sorry if there are any mistakes. I hope to continue this story and not completely slack on it like last time.
> 
> I'm excited for these stories because they are going to be an at least seven part series and I already have all of the plot lines planned out and ready to write, so wish me luck on this journey. Salut!


End file.
